Anime in 12 Easy Steps
by Phelan
Summary: Alright, Phelan has struck again! More anime stuff you should know! The usual; some language, Relena-bashing, and insanity!
1. Behold, the Chaos!

Notes: This is another fic produced out of sheer boredom. I know the average reader of a fic knows most of the stuff I talk about here, but hey, it's my fic and I'll do what I want with it! If you have a problem with that, I refer you to my complaint department.  
  
Lina Inverse (wielding the Ragna Blade): Whom do I get to kill?  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the clothes I wear and the computer I type this on.  
  
Phelan steps out of a plot hole, into the ever-present Featureless White Room.  
  
Phelan: Alright, at the request of some of my fans-  
  
Konoko: What fans? Besides, nobody asked you to write this fic.  
  
Phelan tosses his muse into another plot hole.  
  
Phelan (grinding his teeth): As I was saying, I wrote this fic in an attempt to explain in layman's terms some of the unusual words, expressions, and manners that are encountered in a fic written about characters from an anime show. Now, first we need some characters from an anime show. May I present the cast from Gundam Wing!  
  
Pulling on a conveniently placed rope, Phelan opens a trap door in the ceiling, and the five gundam pilots fall through.  
  
Phelan: All right boys, ready to help me teach the finer points of anime actions and phrases to your newer fans?  
  
Duo, Wufei and Quatre: AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Heero: Hn.  
  
Trowa: .....  
  
Phelan: I'll take that as a yes. Okay, this is going to be done kinda like a documentary. We'll start with Japanese phrases and words.  
  
Duo: I'll take Japanese phrases and words for $300, Phelan.  
  
Phelan pulls a foam bat from behind his back and begins beating the irritating pilot.  
  
Phelan: Now cut that out, Duo. I don't have time for this stuff. On with the Fic!  
  
Japanese Words and Phrases  
*************  
  
Phelan (doing that voice-over thing): In this chapter, we'll be covering Japanese phrases, most of which are either insults or expressions of anger. For example, the popular "Baka." Used to insult a person's intelligence or actions, it takes the place of the English "idiot." For example:  
  
Wufei: Duo no BAKA! What are you doing? You know what'll happen if you stick that in the microwave!  
  
Duo shuts the microwave door and turns it on to the highest setting. Within thirty seconds, a muffled explosion is heard.  
  
Heero: BAKA, you've ruined it! Clean this mess up!  
  
  
*************  
  
Phelan: Next up is "Kuso," a popular curse, similar to damn or shit. Let's watch:  
  
Heero is fighting to keep his grip on a rope, when Relena sneaks up next to him and taps him on the shoulder. Heero jumps, releasing his grip, and runs when he sees the rope rapidly vanishing into the sky. Relena looks at Heero's retreating figure, then up at the approaching anvil.  
  
Relena: Kuso.  
  
Anvil: SPLAT!!  
  
Phelan: That's one of my favorites. I even taped it, and made a copy for Heero. Next up, Kisama.  
  
*************  
  
Phelan: Kisama: another curse, but used to insult one's lineage. What most English/American people use it for is calling someone an illegitimate child. What it really translates to is simply "you," but it is a very insulting way of doing so. Forgive me, Kalen, for being slightly off the mark on this one before you corrected me. (bows deeply) Let's go to the tapes!   
  
We see Duo running at full tilt, Wufei in hot pursuit. At least, we think it's Wufei. The Katana is there, the curses and voice are the same, but this figure is wearing a hot-pink miniskirt and a shocking blue tube top.  
  
Person we think is Wufei: KISAMA!!! MAXWELL, GET BACK HERE!  
  
Phelan: Hehe, a Kodak moment. Great for blackmail.  
  
**************  
  
Phelan: Now for a timeless classic, and Heero's tagline. Omae o korosu, it translates into "I'll kill you." Observe:  
  
Heero (pointing a gun at... Relena): Omae o korosu, Relena.  
  
Relena: I love you too, Heero.  
  
Phelan sneaks up behind Relena and quickly ties her to a nearby tree.  
  
Phelan: Heero, if you please.  
  
Heero's gun: Bang!  
  
Relena: X.X  
  
***************  
  
Phelan (big, shit-eating grin on his face): Time for one of *my* favorites. Onna is one of Wufei's lines, and it is a derogatory form of "woman." For this, I'm going to bring in Sally Po.  
  
Phelan summons Sally Po into the Featureless White Room.  
  
Sally: EEK!!  
  
Phelan (Making Sally vanish back into the plot hole): Er, we'll let her get out of the shower first. We don't really need her, though. I'm sure Duo'd be glad to help. Right, Duo?  
  
Duo: Ah, no.  
  
Phelan (brandishing big-a$$ scissors): What was that?  
  
Duo (pales): I said I'd be delighted!  
  
Phelan: Thought so. Now hop to it, I have a looong fic to write.  
  
Phelan hands a large cream pie to Duo, who spins around and mashes it into Wufei's face.  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!! ONNA, KISAMA! KILLLLLLLL!!!!  
  
Duo (runs): EEP!  
  
***************  
  
Phelan: Let's see, have I forgotten anything? Oh yeah!! Itai, a word used to express pain.  
  
Quatre and Dorothy are standing next to each other. Suddenly, Dorothy stomps on Quatre's foot.  
  
Quatre: Itai!  
  
Quatre is handed a (All my true fans know what's coming next) Ludicrously-Oversized-Mallet-of-ASS-Whupping, aka Bob. With the Zero Look(tm) in his eyes, Quatre brings the mallet down on Dorothy's head.  
  
Dorothy: ITAI!!  
  
****************  
  
Phelan: I'll let Duo handle this one. Take it away!  
  
Duo: Shinigami is my nickname, and it means the "God of Death" from the Shinto religion. I also call my Deathscythe "Shinigami," because both of us are drop-dead cool and-  
  
Phelan (stuffing the end of Duo's braid into Duo's mouth): Sure... Sorry there isn't an example for this, since it's so easy to picture.  
  
Duo unrolls a giant poster, proudly displaying Deathscythe in action. Phelan snatches the poster, rolls it back up, and beats Duo over the head with it.  
  
Phelan: Now cut that out, before I cut *it* off!  
  
Duo grabs his braid and pouts.  
  
*****************  
  
Phelan: Now for a popular word that has nothing to do with death, swearing, or violence. In most cases. Kawaii, used to describe something cute. Quatre?  
  
Quatre steps out in front, and concentrates. His eyes widen, begin to go all starry, and develop the beginnings of tears in the corners. Taking a deep breath, Quatre gathers his strength and manages to bring a beam of light down to gather in his hair, making it glow and wreathe the pilot in a halo of golden energy. Again, Quatre takes an even deeper breath, and grunts with the effort. Bubbles and sparkles begin to multiply within the Featureless White Room, and the effect is immediate. As Wufei tries to hold down his lunch, Duo and Heero try to hold back Trowa. A low rumble begins, slowly building up to earthquake proportions.  
  
Phelan: Oh, crap. It's the fangirls. RUNNNNNN!!!!  
  
The four pilots abandon their earlier tasks and jump into the plot hole Phelan creates. Throwing himself in, Phelan looks back as an entire wall collapses and an army of onnas charge through. The girls in the lead (those who manage to avoid being trampled by those in the rear) catch sight of Quatre and begin the call.  
  
Fangirls: It's Quatre!! KAWAII!!!  
  
Quatre (his concentration broken, he looks around): Oh, this isn't good.  
  
Phelan opens a plot hole beneath the lone pilot, spilling him into the relative safety of his comrades.  
  
Phelan: Damn, Quatre! Went a little overboard, didn't you?  
  
Quatre (smug): You wanted an example of Kawaii-ness, you got it.  
  
Phelan: Yeah, but it'll take *forever* to clear them all out! Good thing I had a few other Featureless White Rooms built before this fic.  
  
Duo: Kuso, I thought we'd be free.  
  
Phelan: Oh, c'mon. I've been easy on you so far. Show *some* enthusiasm, huh?  
  
Gundam Pilots (monotone voice): Yay.  
  
Phelan: Eh, that'll do. Go on home, it'll take awhile for the second room to appear.  
  
Gundam Pilots: ALRIGHT!!  
  
The five pilots vanish into the Gundam Wing Universe while Phelan stays behind, still concealed within the pitch-black plot hole.  
  
Phelan: Where'd I put that flashlight?  
  
Phelan remembers he still has an audience.  
  
Phelan: Alright, people! REEEEVVVVIIIIEEEEWWWW!!!! Remember, I happen to have an army of fangirls locked away; it'd be easy to turn them loose on those who forget to review. If I get enough of you guys and gals to review, I'll post some more. Till then, I hope you have a better day than mine, locked away in a cubicle...(Phelan continues to kvetch about his working environment) 


	2. Ah, the insanity!

Yes folks, it's time for another episode of "Anime in 12 Easy Steps!"  
  
Konoko (whispering): But you don't know how many chapters this thing'll take!  
  
Phelan gives her a tight-lipped glare, then looks back at the audience and smirks. Rubbing his foot across the floor of the Featureless White Room, he uncovers a little red button. Glancing back at his muse, the grin widens as he steps on the button. Konoko looks worried, and shifts her gaze around, only to look up as a whistling slowly builds in pitch and volume.  
  
Konoko: Aw c'mon, not the anvil.  
  
Phelan just stands there, smug as ever, while his muse keeps staring at the sky. The whistling has grown quite loud, but there is still no sign of any falling anvils. Finally, a dark form takes shape below Konoko, and she plummets into the plot hole that Phelan summoned.  
  
Phelan: Heh, who needs anvils?  
  
Turning back to the audience, Phelan pulls on a rope, opening a second hole in authorspace, this time on a wall. The five gundam pilots fall through, landing in a heap.  
  
Phelan: So glad you could join us.  
  
Duo: Aw, crap. I was about to go take a nap, too.  
  
Phelan: Yeah, well I'm happy to see you to.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Gundam Wing, Don't own Dirty Pair. (pouts) No animals were hurt during the making of this fic.  
  
  
Alright, this time around we're going to explain anime expressions, and if we have enough time, we'll cover anything I might have missed in the last episode.  
  
*****************  
  
Phelan (voice-over): This time around, we'll be concentrating on the unusual expressions you may come across in an anime fic. The first one is the sweatdrop. Sounds pretty simple, an unusually large drop of, what else, sweat that appears on the side of a character's face, usually when another character asks a stupid question. Let's watch it in action:  
  
Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei are standing atop a ridge overlooking a military facility near the coast. Relena's pink limo pulls up, and Relena climbs out, as Heero is about to discuss their plans.  
  
Heero: We have to destroy that military factory before they finish building any more mobile dolls.  
  
Relena (overhearing): Why can't you just talk to them and give peace a chance?  
  
All five pilots sweatdrop as Relena asks a ridiculous question. Shaking their heads, Duo, Wufei and Trowa all nod to Heero. He turns, and whips out his ever-present pistol. Firing a warning shot mere inches from her head; he smiles as Relena flinches in reflex, causing her to loose her balance. She falls off the edge of the cliff, screaming Heero's name the whole way down.  
  
Phelan (at the bottom of the cliff, with a video camera on his shoulder): Alright, lets keep going.  
  
*****************  
  
Phelan (back in the FWR): Okay, for this one, I had to lock Duo up in authorspace, and hide Wufei 'till the main event. This is another one of my favorites, the nosebleed. It is generally used when somebody witnesses a rather, erm, enticing situation, and they are embarrassed and blushing. This is almost exclusive to Wufei, though Quatre and Trowa have been known to suffer this unusual mishap. Since this generally happens when there is a member of the opposite sex in the area, I managed to pull some strings, just for your entertainment. Allow me to introduce Kei and Yuri, the infamous Dirty Pair!  
  
Kei and Yuri both appear in a flash of light and smoke, as trumpets play and thunder rumbles.  
  
Phelan (muttering): They always know how to make an entrance.  
  
Kei and Yuri: By the way, it's LOVELY ANGELS, DAMMIT!!  
  
Phelan (with two fists in his face): Sorry, sorry. Can we get back to the demonstration?  
  
Kei and Yuri look at each other and shrug. The gundam pilots (minus Duo and Wufei) go goggle-eyed and begin to drool. Even Phelan is staring, though he's able to keep his many glances a bit more discrete, knowing full well their ability to cause chaos and destruction.  
  
Heero (staring): Eghnf, vielb, waaaa, gerrr, huuwaa... (Stumbles, but stays standing)  
  
Quatre (staring): freow, geh, nniicce... (Faints)  
  
Trowa (pulling his bang out of the way to stare): gahh, erp, wshew... (Faints)  
  
Phelan: ....  
  
Konoko reappears, and whomps Phelan on the back of the head.  
  
Konoko: Hentai! Didn't you want to show the nosebleed effect?  
  
Phelan: Huh? Oh yeah! Where's Wufei?  
  
Konoko: ARGH! Why do I even bother? Here!  
  
Konoko drags Wufei out of a pocket of authorspace and sets him down in front of the Dirty P-er, Lovely Angels. He takes a look at them, turns to face Phelan, and goes completely pale. Turning back, he looks at the two women, blinks, and faints dead away.  
  
Phelan: Geez, what's wrong with him? Konoko, wake him up.  
  
Konoko: No way.  
  
Grumbling, Phelan lightly slaps Wufei across the face while calling the pilot's name.  
  
Phelan: *WHACK* WAKE UP, WUFEI! *WHACK* WAKE UP! Crud, he's out of it. Kei, Yuri, can you snap him out of it?  
  
The two trouble consultants walk over and kneel beside the comatose pilot. Yuri runs a hand across his forehead, while Kei bends over and begins to whisper in his ear. Instantly, Wufei's eyes snap open and he leaps to his feet, nearly throwing both women ten feet in his efforts. Half crazed, he shudders, then takes a deep breath.  
  
Phelan: Need a tissue, Wuffie?  
  
Wufei whirls around to face the joking author, his face covered in blood. Phelan tosses him a box of tissues, and Wufei madly stuffs the fluffy sheets into his nasal passages to staunch the flow of blood.  
  
Phelan (whispering to Kei): What did you *say* to that poor guy?  
  
Kei (blushing): Never you mind. Besides, we're finished here.  
  
Phelan glowers, then waves his hands as the Lovely Angels vanish. Pulling out a vial of smelling salts, he rushes to wake up the sleeping pilots.  
  
Quatre: Who were those women?  
  
Phelan: Oh, just some friends.  
  
Trowa: ....... ........ ....!  
  
Phelan: Remember when I gave Catherine that gift? The original belongs to Yuri.  
  
Heero: So that's where you got it.  
  
Phelan: Yep. Now come on, we've still got work to do.  
  
*****************  
  
Phelan: Well, that took more time than I thought it would. We'd better hurry through the next one. The Facefault is an interesting one, where a person's face stretches beyond physical limits. Usually used in the same manner as a sweatdrop, but the facefault is a more universal expression.  
  
Phelan flexes his author powers and brings back Duo, along with a massive pile of candy.  
  
Duo: Hey! What's the big idea trapping me in that plot hole?!?! I oughta-  
  
Dou sees the mountain of candy, and completely forgets about threatening the author with bodily harm. His eyes grow twice their size, his jaw threatens to break from the enormous smile on his face, and his tongue seems ready to hit the floor.  
  
Duo: Food!!  
  
Quatre, Heero, Wufei (still wiping away the last drops of blood), and Trowa all narrow their eyes to deadly slits, and their teeth begin to turn into fangs.  
  
Duo: Hey? Where's the pixie stix?  
  
The other pilots facefault as they hear this, as Phelan shrugs his shoulders and disappears.  
  
******************  
  
Phelan: I'd like to thank Jaya for this entry; I almost forgot about it! The one expression almost exclusively made for Quatre; the floodtears. In real life, when someone is upset, they cry a few tears, then get on with life. In anime, when someone gets upset, they cry in bucket loads, a near never-ending torrent of salty tears that can cause flash flood warnings up to five miles away.  
  
Phelan, Heero, and Quatre are standing alone within the FWR. Quatre is holding a small songbird in his cupped hands. (Ack! Kawaii-ness alert!)  
  
Phelan: Heero, if you please.  
  
Heero: Hn.  
  
Heero snatches the beautiful songbird and hurls it at the ground, then proceeds to jump on it. Quatre sputters for a second, then turns on the waterworks in a floodtears event. Within seconds, the FWR floor is covered in water several inches deep. Hoping to prevent his drowning, Phelan plunges his hand into the water and pulls out the body of the bird.  
  
Phelan: Quatre. Hey, Quatre. YO, QUATRE!  
  
Quatre (sniffles): What?  
  
Phelan: It was only a robot. Look!  
  
Quatre dries his eyes and looks at the "body." Sure enough, gears and springs are poking through the feathers, and as Phelan nudges it, the "bird" resumes its singing, out of tune and much slower.  
  
Quatre (Zero Look, RUN!!): Why didn't you tell me it was a fake?  
  
Phelan (signaling Heero to run): Well, we needed to show the audience what a floodtear looked like. I'm sorry, but it was the only way. (Cringes)  
  
Quatre: Oh, okay. (Zero Look vanishes)  
  
Phelan exhales in relief, and brings everybody back to stand in front of the audience.  
  
Phelan: Well, we didn't get through everything I wanted to, but hey, that just means more chapters to this (looks around) chaos!  
  
Konoko stands between the Lovely Angels and the Gundam pilots, holding a large mallet and daring anyone to pass. The pilots are too busy drooling and ogling to care, but at least they manage to control themselves. Kei and Yuri are waving at the audience (all the guys are fawning over the two women) and smiling.  
  
Phelan (glaring at both audience and gundam pilots): Okay, you two'd better leave again, I doubt this gang will stay civil much longer.  
  
As the pair vanishes again, Phelan takes center stage.  
  
Phelan: Remember folks, Review!! Email me if you want to make any suggestions. clanmasakari@yahoo.com  
I may even choose some lucky people to help me. Till next time! 


	3. Still more torture for the G-boys!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or the Dirty Pair. But once I become a billionaire, I'll buy the rights to both and release them to the fans! (Accepting donations)  
  
Phelan appears within the much-loved/hated Featureless White Room and looks around, "hmm"ing and inspecting the room.  
  
Phelan: Well, it looks like the room is okay. I guess I stopped Quatre's floodtears in time. Ah well, I have other things to worry about.  
  
The gundam boys fall into the FWR. They get up and dust themselves off.  
  
Wufei: So what are you going to have us show our audience today?  
  
Phelan: Sore wa himitsu desu! C'mon, we don't have all day. On with the fic!  
  
***************  
  
Phelan: Okay, we're going to try to explain Hammerspace/Authorspace now. It's kinda like another dimension, and is used by anime characters to store items instead of having to lug around bags or boxes. Hammerspace first started as a way female characters could store very large hammers (hence the name) that they'd use to bash male characters that had made inappropriate, offensive, or suggestive remarks. On to the example!  
  
Duo and Wufei are sitting next to each other at a table. For about thirty seconds, peace and quiet reigns. Then Duo begins tapping out a drumbeat with his fingers on the tabletop. Wufei narrows his eyes, but remains still. Duo, who is really getting into his song, starts to nod his head to the beat of whatever song is running through his mind. One of Wufei's eyebrows twitch, but he regains control.  
  
Duo continues to drum on the table while nodding his head, but soon starts humming the tune and tapping his feet. Wufei's hands curl up into fists, the eyebrow twitches again, but he stays seated. Duo, completely oblivious to his surroundings, begins to sing:  
  
Duo: Just wild beat communication, ame ni utare nagara, iroasenai atsui omoi, karada-juu de tsutaetai yo tonight!  
  
Wufei gives in, leaps to his feet and starts yelling.  
  
Wufei: Duo no baka! Omae o korosu!  
  
With that, he reaches over his shoulder. Thanks to high-speed cameras placed in the room, we can witness this action in slow motion. As Wufei's hand passes over his shoulder, a small black line seems to cut through the air behind him. It widens in the middle, a flat sheet of black suspended in midair. Wufei's hand plunges into the black depths. From the side, it is clear that his hand is vanishing into this strange phenomenon, and not just passing through to the other side of this rip in space. Wufei's wrist is still visible, and we can watch his muscles as his hand moves back and forth as if in search of something. Finding the item in question, the movement stops and his hand withdraws, bringing with it his trusty katana. Though the black area in space seems to be perfectly flat, and therefore have no depth, more and more of the katana reveals itself as Wufei continues to draw it in slow motion.  
  
Finally, the wickedly sharp point of the blade comes free, and the tear in space closes behind it. Time speeds back up to normal, and the view changes to show the faces of both pilots.  
  
Wufei: KISAMAAAA!  
  
Duo: EEP!!  
  
As Duo jumps to his feet and overturns his chair, Phelan pulls a large stereo system out of nowhere and turns it on. The "Ride of the Valkyries" begins to play as Duo bolts in a random direction. Wufei gives chase, in hot pursuit and occasionally swinging the razor-sharp blade at Duo's braid, which is flapping behind the rapidly vanishing pilot.  
  
Phelan: Ah, I can't start my day without the sight of them running like crazy.  
  
******************  
  
Phelan: At the request of some other fans, I have decided to include Spandex Space. Everyone's always asking "just where *does* Heero keep that gun of his?" Well, after much deliberation, bribery, and violence, I've managed to get Heero to explain this little mystery. Heero?  
  
Heero steps out, shoots the mother-of-all-deathglares at Phelan, then mutters.  
  
Phelan: What was that, Heero?  
  
Heero: I won't do it.  
  
Phelan: But you promised! You even signed a contract.  
  
Phelan reaches into a pocket and pulls out a folded sheet of paper, which he then opens up and begins to read.  
  
Phelan: Ahem. I, Heero Yuy, agree to divulge the secret of Spandex Space in exchange for the following: (1) Punching dummy with Relena's likeness. (2) A more powerful laptop. (3) Fingerprint scanner for Wing Zero's cockpit. You signed it yourself, Heero. Would you really choose to fail a mission?  
  
Heero: Dammit! You just had to put it that way, didn't you?  
  
Phelan: Of course... I'm half Mazoku, remember? I *enjoy* doing stuff like this.  
  
Heero: Fine, I'll tell. You'd just get me to do it anyway. The secret to Spandex Space is... is...  
  
Phelan(holding out a tape recorder in one hand, the other hand poised over a typewriter): Go on...  
  
Heero: Hn. Spandex Space is simply a small piece of Hammerspace woven into my shorts.  
  
Phelan(facefaults): That's it?!? The whole time, you just had access to hammerspace and nobody else knew?! Augh!  
  
Phelan creates a pillar of wood nearby, and stomps over to it, where he bangs his head repeatedly.  
  
Phelan: I *whack* don't *whack* believe *whack* he *whack* could *whack* just...  
  
Phelan continues to smack his forehead against the column, muttering and swearing as Heero crosses his arms and manages to look smug.  
  
*****************  
  
Phelan, sporting a small red mark from the column, is standing by himself, the pilots off in the distance.  
  
Phelan: Alright, this time around we're going to show you folks the "glomp." I've put the guys over there so they won't hear this. A glomp generally happens when one person is overjoyed to be in the presence of another, and attaches themselves to this person tighter than a leech. Generally, the glomper wraps their arms around the glompee's neck, while wrapping their legs around the glompee's waist. If done properly, this renders the glompee completely immobile, and often results in both people falling to the ground. If the glomper is very good, they usually land on top, where they can pin the glompee to the ground for *ahem* various reasons. While this is generally performed with fangirls, I've decided not to drag any in here today, after what happened when Quatre was demonstrating "kawaii." For this one, there's going to be some people acting just a *little* out of character. Lets go watch.  
  
Suddenly materializing next to the pilots, Phelan snaps his fingers and summons Relena, Hilde, Midii, Dorothy, and Sally Po, who appear out of sight, behind the pilots. All five ladies' eyes widen as they spot their favorite pilot, and each charge forward in a desperate attempt to glomp. Duo is about to ask what the next demonstration will be when he, and all the other pilots, are glomped from behind. Taken completely by surprise, most of the pilots are soon flat on their stomachs as the momentum of the girls bowls them over. Heero wobbles for a few seconds under Relena's weight, but gives in as her glomp nearly cuts off his air supply. Trowa is the only one left standing, proof that being in the circus improves one's balance.  
  
The girls all squeal with delight, having caught their *possible* boyfriends. The five gundam pilots squirm and attempt to escape, but the girls are strong and quite well versed in the art of the glomp. Quatre manages to get an arm free (probably from all of his practice dealing with fangirls) and signals to Dorothy that he'd like to breathe. She loosens her grip just enough for Quatre to resume breathing, but even he can't break loose. Duo's eyes widen as Hilde shifts her position slightly.  
  
Phelan: It looks like Shinigami is actually enjoying this... Crap. Hilde, cut that out! This fic is only going to be PG-13!  
  
Hilde pouts, but does stop her advances. She refuses to let go, but Phelan watches the Wufei/Sally glomp with interest. Wufei has turned purple by now, though his breathing is unobstructed. Sally nuzzles her chin against his neck as steam begins to erupt from Justice-boy's ears.  
  
Phelan: Oh boy, here he goes...  
  
Wufei: Baka onna, GET OFF! INJUSTICE!! For the love of Nataku, release me!  
  
Wufei continues to rant as Sally sighs contentedly. Heero seems to have slipped into a coma as Relena latches onto him stronger than any other.  
  
Phelan: Relena! I don't think Heero is going to like that. HEY! Cut that out! Don't make me get a fire hose!  
  
Before the fic turns into an NC-17 story of lust, Phelan personally separates each glomper and their victim before tossing them back into a plot hole.  
  
Phelan: Ye Gods! I had no idea they'd be that strong!  
  
Heero: I think she broke my arm.  
  
Duo: Ack! He's going to set the bone again, isn't he!? Don't make me watch, it's sick!  
  
Phelan, in a show of pity for all the glomping, snaps his fingers and heals Heero's arm.  
  
Heero: Hn.  
  
Phelan: I'll take that as a "thanks."  
  
Duo: Hey, why couldn't you just make them disappear? Why'd ya have to pull them off by hand?  
  
Phelan: Well, they really *were* glomping you guys hard. I almost couldn't tell where you guys ended and they began.  
  
All five pilots collectively shudder.  
  
********************  
  
Again, Phelan is standing far away from the pilots.  
  
Phelan: Okay, this time we're going back to some phrases. Hentai is literally, abnormality, but is commonly used as an exclamation by one person to declare another person as a pervert. Ecchi is literally indecent or lewd, and is used as a slightly more insulting way of calling someone a pervert than Hentai. I'll try to keep this one within the realm of PG-13 folks, so don't worry... much. I have called in the Lovely Angels yet again, as the presence of both sexes is just about mandatory for something like this.  
  
The five pilots and Phelan are once again standing as a group, when Phelan pulls in the "Lovely Angels" Kei and Yuri, who, like the earlier demonstration, are standing behind the gundam pilots. Duo's 'babe alert' goes off, and he spins around, drooling at the two trouble consultants.  
  
Duo: Wow! Would you look at the-  
  
Trowa(lightly bonking Duo on the back of his head): Ecchi.  
  
Wufei(managing to hold off the nosebleed): Quiet, Barton. For once, I think I actually agree with Maxwell on this.  
  
Heero: Hn, me too.  
  
Quatre(trying hard not to blush): Hentai.  
  
Kei: Oh great, not those guys again. Hey Phelan, why do you keep bringing us here to be ogled by them?  
  
Phelan: I thought I told you already. I'm showing some people various expressions and sayings they may encounter in a Japanese-influenced piece of writing, and I need these guys to demonstrate for me.  
  
Yuri: Well, I just want to know if this is going to be the last time you pull this on us. I was just about to go on a date...  
  
Phelan: Alright, you can go. They've already finished this one. I honestly expected to have to wake them up again, like the last time. See you later.  
  
******************  
  
Phelan is standing with the pilots again, minus the Lovely Angels.  
  
Phelan: Okay, this time I want you people to watch the looks on their face when I tell them what we're doing now...  
  
Duo: Why do I think I should be running away very, very fast?  
  
Wufei: And why do *I* want to do the same thing?  
  
Phelan: That's because I'm going to explain the terms Yaoi-  
  
All five pilots: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
True to his word, Duo starts running away, but Wufei is not the only one running with him. The whole group of pilots streak off into the distance, leaving five cartoon holes in the Featureless White Room's wall, each shaped exactly like the pilot who created it.  
  
Phelan: -and Yuri. *However,* I'm NOT going to ask for any demonstrations for this one. I do have some morals.  
  
Phelan pulls what looks like a zipper from his pocket and places it where the floor meets the wall. Pulling up, he unzips a plot hole, and the pilots run out.  
  
Quatre(pulling up to a stop): He got us.  
  
Wufei: Kuso.  
  
Phelan: As I was *about* to tell you before you all took off, you don't have to demonstrate this one. I only said it in your presence to see what you'd do.  
  
Quatre: You really *are* evil, aren't you?  
  
Duo: You're only just now getting that?  
  
Phelan grins, baring his teeth as the pilots edge away from the deranged author.  
  
Phelan: Just sit down and keep quiet.  
  
Each pilot sits down on the chairs that have emerged from the floor.  
  
Phelan: Thank you. Now, Yaoi is a term meaning boy-love. If you see that in the description of a fic, it generally means that two of these guys (Phelan waves a hand in the pilot's direction) are considered a couple. Yuri is pretty much the same thing, though it means that two women are a couple. For some reason, Gundam Wing Yuri will almost always end up with Dorothy and Relena paired up.  
  
All five men collectively shudder at the thought.  
  
Phelan: Alright guys, I think that's enough for today.  
  
The Gundam Guys all smile as they begin to dematerialize.  
  
**************************  
  
Phelan turns and faces the audience once more.  
  
Phelan: Well? Anybody think I forgot something? Don't worry Mitsukai-hime, I haven't forgotten your suggestions. That'll probably go into the next chapter, if I ever get off my lazy *&^ and write it.  
  
Konoko: Another fic in which you completely forgot me! How could you, I'm your muse!  
  
Phelan: Well, you're here now, aren't you?  
  
Konoko: You know what I mean. You just use me to do all the dirty work, then you punt me off into orbit until you need me again.  
  
Phelan: Your point?  
  
Konoko: Why you... DIE!  
  
Konoko proceeds to beat the crap out of Phelan. From inside the cartoon fight-cloud, Phelan's voice is heard.  
  
Phelan: Don't forget to, *WHACK* itai, review people! I'll keep on, *WHACK* itai, writing as long as the suggestions, *WHACK* itai, and reviews keep coming in! *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* ITAI!  
  
Konoko: Aww, you weren't expecting that, were you? Filia lent me her mace when I told her you'd been talking to Xelloss again.  
  
Phelan: Nani? I haven't talked to him in a week!  
  
Konoko: Oh, I know that... But Filia doesn't. 


	4. You know what to expect by now...

Phelan does a gracefull swan dive through a plot hole, rolling into the Featureless White Room and boosting himself back to his feet. Standing with his arms spread wide, he seems to be waiting for something. When several seconds go by, he drops his arms and forgets the whole thing.  
  
Phelan: Okay folks, welcome back to the fourth installment of "Anime in 12 Easy Steps!" I know it's been awhile since I last documented any of this madness we call a fic, but I'm back with more of the insanity I've become known for. Since I got quite the flood of reviewers (And I'd like to thank all of you, but haven't got the space) I decided to include some of the suggestions you people have made. But enough about you, we all know you're here to watch the pilots try to handle whatever I happen to throw at them. So on with the fic!  
  
Disclaimer: Haven't we seen enough disclaimers? Like I've said before, Gundam Wing and any other references I make to other anime, books, movies, etc. does not mean that I own them. It just means that I liked/hated them enough to show them here.  
  
***************  
  
Phelan: Our first explanation for today will be about the Zero Look. This one is like Quatre's version of Heero's famous Deathglare. Ever since he built and piloted the Wing Zero, Quatre has had the strange ability to go into a very violent state. For reasons unknown, he is the only person to continue to have "flashbacks" where the mind-altering Zero System can affect his actions, even when he isn't connected to the System. Symptoms of the Zero Look include a soft golden light in the eyes, maniacal laughter, (usually sounding like a chipmunk on speed) and body language that just makes other people really nervous and want to wear body armor. When possessed by the Zero Look, Quatre does a complete personality flip, abandoning his usual "We shouldn't be fighting" phrase in favor of merciless, unbridled fury. Because of this, nobody really ever manages to hold out against Quatre. For example...  
  
Phelan drags the usual crew of five into the Featureless White Room. Used to this by now, the pilots roll their eyes and stand around grumbling.  
  
Phelan: Okay boys, time for another set of examples. I need Quatre and a volunteer. And before any of you try running away, I promise that nobody gets hurt, *if* you cooperate.  
  
Quatre steps forwards hesitantly as the other pilots exchange wary glances. They gather into a huddle, and a few words of "One potato, Two potato" are heard. Finally, Duo breaks the huddle with an "Aw, MAN!" and stomps and mutters his way next to Quatre.  
  
Phelan: Gee, I am overwhelmed by your enthusiasm. Alright Duo, I have just hidden a personal item of Quatre's somewhere on you. Quatre, you have to get it back through whatever means it takes, and Duo can't give it to you until the other guys say so.  
  
Duo looks confused, then very unhappy when he sees the faces of Wufei, Heero, and Trowa. All are grinning. And it doesn't look good for the self-proclaimed "God of Death." Phelan steps over and whispers in Quatre's ear. Quatre's face turns red, and he turns to face Shinigami.  
  
Quatre: Duo, can I please have... that item back?  
  
Duo: No.  
  
Quatre goes into Kawaii mode. Duo refuses. Quatre goes into Hyper-Kawaii. Duo manages to hold out. Phelan is busy reinforcing the walls of his Featureless White Room for another fangirl assault. Quatre, his Kawaii attacks failing, stops and closes his eyes. With a calm, distinctly cold tone, he asks Duo to hand "it" over. Duo says no.  
  
Quatre: Duo, this is a warning. Hand it over. Now.  
  
Duo, sensing danger, looks to the other pilots, who shake their head.  
  
Duo: Ah, sorry. I can't.  
  
Quatre: GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!  
  
Duo: EEEP!!  
  
Quatre opens his eyes to reveal the golden Zero Look, and Duo cringes. Looking at the other pilots, they are watching with very amused expressions on their faces.  
  
Duo(sees a chance at escape): Hey guys. Quatre's going to be pretty pissed at you in a few seconds, if you don't let me give him his whatever-it-is back.  
  
The grins falter. They look at each other with a worried expression on their face.  
  
Trowa: We'll just wait a little longer.  
  
Duo gulps, and turns back to Quatre, who is in the process of pulling out a scimitar from hammerspace.  
  
Duo: Ah, guys? C'mon, you wouldn't do this to your old buddy, would you?  
  
Wufei: Yes, we would.  
  
Heero: I seem to recall several incidents in which you made fun of us. It's only fair.  
  
Quatre: Three...  
  
Duo: Please?  
  
Trowa shakes his head.  
  
Quatre: Two...  
  
Duo: C'mon! He'll kill us!  
  
Wufei shakes his head.  
  
Quatre: ONE...  
  
Duo: HEEEELLLLPPPP!!!  
  
Heero: Okay.  
  
Duo pulls out a small box and throws it to Quatre, who catches it as the Zero Look fades away.  
  
Wufei: Injustice! Heero, we were supposed to let Quatre hit him!  
  
Heero: Hn.  
  
************************  
  
Phelan: Well, once again an explanation has dragged on far longer than expected. For this next part, we shall try to explain "pocky" and its effects on Authors and Authoresses. This strange substance has probably caused more "random insanity" fics than any other food. Pocky is basically a short, thin wheat cracker, dipped or covered in various ingredients. For example, chocolate, strawberry, cheese, custard, etc. As I have yet to find pocky in my area, I've called in some help. May I present... Lady Lye!  
  
Lady Lye: Hi Phelan. Nice place you got here. It could use some... stuff in here.  
  
Phelan: Yeah, but then it wouldn't be a *Featureless* White Room, would it?  
  
Lady Lye: Guess so.  
  
Phelan: Did you bring your pocky?  
  
Lady Lye: You bet! It's in one of my subspace pockets. Hold on.  
  
Phelan works on stretching some tense muscles in his neck while Lady Lye roots around in her pockets. Her movements become frantic, as if she's lost something.  
  
Lady Lye: I know I put it in here...  
  
Phelan: Problems?  
  
Lady Lye: I can't find my pocky. I put it in this pocket just before I came over, I know it! Now there's nothing but a few crumbs...  
  
Phelan holds up his hand to stop Lady Lye and turns around to face the pilots, who are off in the distance trying to relax before they are called in to "help."  
  
Phelan: DUO MAXWELL, get your @$$ over here NOW!!  
  
Duo jumps to his feet and glances around before jogging over. When he finally stops, both Lady Lye and Phelan look him over carefully.  
  
Duo(confused): What?!?  
  
Lady Lye: Check him.  
  
Phelan grabs Duo's ankles and lifts off to hover in midair, Shinigami dangling below, uttering curses. Phelan begins to shake, trying to dislodge any crumbs of evidence. Nothing happens, other than the braid swinging wildly about.  
  
Phelan: He's clean.  
  
Duo: Would you mind putting me down?  
  
Rotating around in midair, Phelan is now upside-down, with his hands still around Duo's ankles. Phelan sets the pilot down before re-orienting himself for touchdown.  
  
Duo: How the #$%^ did you do that, and why?  
  
Phelan: We thought you might have stolen her pocky, and as for how I did that, it's Somebody Else's Problem.  
  
Duo: Right... Well, since it wasn't me, I'm outta here!  
  
Lady Lye: Well, if it's not him...  
  
Lady Lye begins to puzzle over her predicament as Phelan zaps the pilots over to join them.  
  
Phelan: Alright, which one of you stole Lady Lye's pocky?  
  
Heero stands his ground, arms crossed. Duo sits on the floor and performs some routine braid maintenance. Trowa has his usual unreadable expression on, while Quatre is looking innocent. (as if he doesn't do that 24/7 anyway) The hint of a smile can be seen on Wufei's face. Apparently, he is still remembering the sight of Duo being yanked off his feet.  
  
Phelan: You all know I *will* find out who did it. Even if I have to lock you into a room with thousands of copies of your worst nightmare, I'll do it. And since it wasn't Duo, for once, you four are all that's left.  
  
The pilots all continue to wait. Duo, finishing the work on his braid, gets up and moves off to the side.  
  
Lady Lye: Quatre, do you know anything?  
  
Quatre twitches, but then shakes his head no. Frustrated, the author and authoress begin to glare at the other three.  
  
Phelan: Trowa? Anything you want to tell us? It's better to give up than try to trick us.  
  
Trowa: ....  
  
Lady Lye: I think that's a no. Heero?  
  
Heero: Hn.  
  
Duo: That's a no. I guess that leaves you, Wu-man!  
  
Wufei hauls his katana out and prepares to give chase to the God of Death. As he does, Lady Lye zips over to check for proof. Phelan, not in the mood for chase music, freezes Wufei's sword in midair, leaving Wufei cursing as he tries to swing the blade around.  
  
Lady Lye: Wufei, why do I smell food on you?  
  
Wufei: Err...  
  
Phelan opens up Wufei's hammerspace pocket and roots around for a second before pulling out a small wrapper.  
  
Phelan: Lady? Is this what I think it is?  
  
Lady Lye: WUFEI CHANG!! How could you!?!  
  
Wufei: I was hungry?  
  
While the, uh... discussion is taking place, Duo is on his back, holding his stomach and trying to breathe while he laughs. Wufei has let go of his katana and is now taking small steps away from the upset Lady.  
  
Heero: Wufei, just hold still. It'll end faster that way.  
  
Phelan sends the other pilots back into a plot hole and pulls out what appears to be a video camera and a large box. Setting the camera on a tripod, he starts fiddling with it, while Lady Lye starts advancing on Wufei.  
  
Lady Lye: Wufei, I'll give you thirty seconds. One.  
  
Wufei ponders this for an instant, then starts running.  
  
Phelan: Hey Lady, sorry about Wufei. Here, take this.  
  
He tosses the box over to Lady Lye, who opens it and grins in her most evil way.  
  
Lady Lye(holding up a large feather): two, three, thirty!!!  
  
Lady Lye disappears in a cloud of smoke and within seconds, Wufei's cries of agony start filling the Featureless White Room.  
  
Wufei: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!! Onna, I WAHAHAHAHAHA can't WOHAHAHAHAHA breathe!!  
  
Phelan turns to face the camera and shakes his head.  
  
Phelan: I'm so glad Sally told me he was ticklish...  
  
  
**************************  
  
Okay, I know this was long, *LONG* overdue, but Konoko was visiting some old friends. Anyway, you all know the drill: review, enjoy, email me with ideas. And I hope the Lady enjoyed this, as I did it without consulting her. So if she seems OOC, I apologize here and now. 


	5. Running out of titles, but it's still #5...

Phelan blurs into the Featurless White Room. He looks tired and irritable. Warping space, he creates an espresso machine designed for large restaurants. Then Phelan calls up a portable cold fusion reactor (ain't sci-fi great?) and plugs them together. Pulling the lever, the espresso machine beeps at him until he gets it through his sleep-addled skull that it needs ingredients. Whipping out a hundred-pound bag, he empties it into the hopper. A fire hydrant appears and Phelan fills the machine up. Finally the machine begins chugging away for the weary author. As the machine nears the completion of its task, Phelan pulls out a mug twice the size of any normal one. Looking at it, he shakes his head and tosses it over his shoulder. Laying down on his back, Phelan positions his open mouth beneath the nozzle. Turning the knob, he releases the potent brew and begins drinking.  
  
Time passes. Phelan remains in this position until the machine runs dry. Sitting up, he reaches for his emergency stash and removes a twenty-four case of Jolt. Each one quickly follows the other down his throat until all are gone. Soon the massive overdose of caffeine reaches his brain, jerking Phelan back to the realm of the waking. He blinks twice, lets loose with a deep yawn, and begins to work on the kinks in his sore neck.  
  
Phelan: Next time folks, don't get over here so early.  
  
Konoko: Um, do you realize it's 11:30?  
  
Phelan(stopping in mid-stretch): Really? @$#%!! I gotta stop watching my GW DVDs. 'Specially episode 20, the one where Trowa blasts Deathscythe. No wonder I didn't sleep well last night!  
  
Konoko: Ahem!  
  
Phelan: Oh, that's right. Okay, lets get "Anime in 12 Easy Steps," part FIVE going, shall we? Cue the disclaimer, aaaaannd ACTION!!  
  
Disclaimer:   
  
Sitting here and making wishes,  
So much better than washing dishes,  
Owning Gundam Wing'd be great,  
Instead of just a model Vayeate.  
  
And, as Phelan vows never to write poetry again, we begin the fic.  
  
  
**********************  
  
Phelan(stifling a yawn): This part is going to be about the favorite catchphrase of a certain monster.  
  
Konoko: Gee, going on a bit of an ego trip, aren't we?  
  
Phelan: Not me! It belongs to someone else. Ladies and Gentlemen, Authors and Authoresses, readers and fans of all ages, allow me to introduce to you that... ::Phelan pulls out an index card:: Master of Mayhem, the Trickster of the Monster Race, Your Friend and Mine, Xellos!!  
  
Konoko(whispering in Phelan's ear): Please, PLEASE tell me you didn't write that...  
  
Phelan(whispering back): Are you kidding?!?! He wrote it, not me!  
  
What appears to be a young man, dressed as a priest, teleports into existance several feet above the floor. He hovers there, in the lotus position and with a smile on his face. Xellos is holding on to his staff-with-large-red-gem, and has his eyes closed, per his usual greeting. Somehow, he is still aware of his surroundings, despite the closed eyes.  
  
Xellos: So, you finally got around to calling me in?  
  
Phelan: Yeah, so sorry for the delay. Ready?  
  
Xellos: Whenever you are. So, where are my victims?  
  
Phelan: I was just about to bring them in.  
  
The Gundam Pilots appear. A look of "Oh great, this %$&# again" crosses their faces before they notice the Trickster Priest.  
  
Trowa: That better not be another author.  
  
Xellos: Nope, I'm just another character sucked out of my world by Phelan.  
  
Phelan(to the audience): Alright people, Xellos will soon be gracing us with his one-liner soon. So as not to spoil the surprise, all I can reveal is the fact that: "That's a secret."  
  
Duo: So, did Phelan tell you what we're doing here?  
  
Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu.  
  
Wufei: Ah, did he happen to tell you why you're here?  
  
Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu!  
  
Duo: Great, this guy is impossible. Hey, Perfect Soldier! I think you've just met the Perfect Prisoner. Sounds like he wouldn't tell anything, no matter how hard you try to get it out of him.  
  
Heero: Mission: Accepted.  
  
Xellos gets a puzzled look on his face as Heero advances. Phelan and Konoko shake their heads.  
  
Konoko: Do you think Heero knows what he's getting himself into?  
  
Phelan: I doubt it, but the audience will love it!  
  
  
Hours Later...  
  
  
Heero: Will you tell me why Phelan brought any of us here?  
  
Xellos(spread out on the rack, medieval torture-style, but still grinning): Sore wa himitsu desu!  
  
Heero(deathglare): Why are you grinning?  
  
Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu.  
  
Duo: Ugh, this is worse than watching Heero resetting his leg!  
  
Wufei: What's the matter, Maxwell, *weak* stomach?  
  
Duo: No, I'm just not sure I want to be here when Heero goes berserk.  
  
Trowa: Duo's got a point.  
  
Quatre(rather pale): ....  
  
Trowa: Quatre, WAKE UP!  
  
Duo: Yeah, he stole your line, Trowa!  
  
Heero(stepping back from the rack, untying Xellos): I ... I failed my mission.  
  
The other pilots drop their jaws and stare at the humiliated pilot and his still-grinning captive.  
  
Wufei: There, *There* is a strong man! Tell me, how did you resist Yuy's interrogation?  
  
Xellos(grin widens): Sore wa himitsu desu!  
  
Wufei(draws Katana): $^&%@$%&^%$*(&*(!#@%!!!!!  
  
Phelan: Wufei, forget it. Use this.  
  
Phelan pulls a heavy, spiked mace from Slayers and tosses it to Wufei. Wufei manages to catch it, but is knocked on his back, the considerable weight of the mace pinning him to the floor of the Featureless White Room.  
  
Wufei: And you expect me to hit him *HOW*?  
  
Xellos: Surely you aren't having a problem with Filia's mace, are you? She pummels *me* with it on a regular basis.  
  
Wufei(lower lip quivers): NATAKUUUU!!!! I AM WEAK!!!  
  
Duo: Oh man, Wufei's gonna have a hard time with this one.  
  
Quatre: C'mon guys. We have to help him!  
  
Trowa: Sure.  
  
Duo, Trowa and Quatre go to free him and begin nursing his bruised ego.  
  
Duo: Man, this thing weighs a ton! Phelan, are you *sure* some girl lugs this $%*# thing around?  
  
Wufei(groaning): Nataku, forgive me. I am not worthy of you.  
  
Phelan: Yep. Her name *is* Filia, and she does beat Xellos into a pulp all the time. The funny part is, when she isn't using it she keeps it hooked on a garter on her leg.  
  
Wufei goes white as a ghost, and is about to pass out when Phelan intervenes.  
  
Phelan: There are two reasons why you shouldn't worry, Wufei. First; she's a Golden Dragon in the form of a human, and second; the physics in the world of Slayers is just a *bit* different.  
  
Wufei stops muttering something about a ritual suicide, and snaps out of his latest bout of depression.  
  
Wufei: You're not just saying that, are you?  
  
Xellos: Of course he isn't! I'd introduce you to her, but she'd probably make a fuss about her mace being stolen.  
  
Phelan(smacking his forehead): I knew I shouldn't have let you ask her to borrow it. She's going to slaughter all of us.  
  
Konoko: Not me. I didn't have anything to do with it. Bye!  
  
Konoko, like any muse, leaves her author hanging while she saves her own hide. (1)  
  
Phelan: Well, this is not good. Hey guys, think we can hurry through the next one?  
  
Duo: Why should we?  
  
Xellos: Because, the sooner you finish, the sooner Phelan will send you back to Gundam wing, where Filia won't be able to knock you silly with this. (Xellos hefts the mace and lightly taps it in the palm of his hand)  
  
Duo: Well, when you put it *that* way...  
  
All five pilots: Let's go!  
  
Quatre: By the way, shouldn't Xellos be lifting that thing with a forklift instead of one arm?  
  
Trowa: Good point.  
  
Phelan: Oops, did I forget to mention to you guys that he is a full-blooded Mazoku?  
  
Wufei(developing a nervous tic in his eyebrow): And just how did you forget a *minor* little detail like that?  
  
Phelan looks at Xellos, recieves a grin, and turns back to the pilots.  
  
Phelan: Sore wa himitsu desu!  
  
  
**********************  
  
  
Phelan: Ah, now I know why you use that phrase, Xel. The looks on their faces!!  
  
Xellos: Glad I could help. I'd better get going.  
  
Phelan: Just who do you think you're kidding?!?! You did it for the food!  
  
Xellos: Maybe I did. But I still have to go.  
  
Phelan: Sure. Just be sure to give Filia her mace; hopefully before she realizes it's gone.  
  
Xellos: I'll see what I can do.  
  
Xellos vanishes, leaving Phelan cursing.  
  
Quatre: What's wrong? He said he'd try to return the mace before she found out.  
  
Phelan: Yeah, but you don't know him like I do. Chances are, he's telling her what happened, and of course, he'll twist it eeever so slightly so she'll be insane with fury. Then he'll be back just in time to watch the fireworks.  
  
Duo: Sounds kinda like someone I know...  
  
Phelan: Better not finish that sentence, or I'll keep you here when I send the rest of you back.  
  
Duo: Shutting up now.  
  
Phelan: Thank you. Now, we'd better get back on track. For those of you who don't speak Japanese, daijobu is a way of asking someone if they're alright. Most of the time, you'll hear it when some form of physical violence happens to somebody. For example...  
  
Relena and ten Heero-loving fangirls get pulled into the Featureless White Room. The ten fangirls spot she-who-stalks-and-shrieks, then grab the nearest weapons they can get their hands on. The air is filled with the sound of Nerf(tm) foam baseball bats repeatedly bouncing off Relena's head. After thirty seconds, the pounding stops as all ten fangirls vanish, taking the foam bats with them. Quatre runs up to the dazed Peacecraft, followed more slowly (read that as reluctantly) by Heero.  
  
Quatre: Daijobu, Relena?  
  
Heero(almost monotone, but with a trace of amusement): Daijobu, Relena?  
  
Relena: Preeetty stars and birdies!! *Thud*  
  
Phelan: Ah, I think I've finally done it. Relena-Bashing, but she recovers fast enough to go for a second round! Okay, I hope this most recent chapter is enough to hold you until the next time I get off my lazy backside to write again. 'Till next time, and remember: Multiple personalities means you always have a scapegoat. Review, folks!  
  
(1) Not to bash *all* muses, just the ones I've met so far.  
  
Any flames, complaints, or insults? Send them to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. Remember to put an old-fashioned alarm clock (the kind that tick) inside the box, and make sure your return address is legibly written so that the Secret Service can properly thank you for your suggestions. Or, if you don't have the time, email them to me at clanmasakari@yahoo.com. 


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